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HELP!
Dear all you fabulous ladies out there who have been providing me and countless others with positive, upbeat advice. I too have been one to give out this positivity and am known and loved by my friends because of it but am now in need of some positivity from you guys as am feeling not my usual positive self. This is mainly due to my period and the fact that I had a couple of glasses of alcohol last night after having given up drinking for the past couple of months. I get very emotional just before my period and this month has been particularly bad, which I think is due to the alcohol. I cried myself to sleep last night and this morning managed to cheer myself up by watching some comedy but the negative self talk re entered my mind and took control (I appreciate and know that I am in control of my mind which makes it even more frustrating!) and have been crying non stop for two hours and it hurts and I feel broken.
I am 26 years old and am potentially entering a new relationship with someone after one and a half years of choosing to be single in order to find myself and love myself. As much as this new relationship prospect excites me and is something I really want as he is a really good match for me, I feel an element of fear. I have dealt with all the baggage from my ex partners, to which there was a lot so that isnt the issue but what appears to be the issue is the fact that I dont want to get too close or appear 'needy' for fear of rejection. As much as I claim and believe that I do love myself, at this present moment I am partially doubting it (which I believe is the hormones talking) as part of me feels, am I worth it? Is he really interested in me? Would he really want to see me? And due to this I have got some barriers up. I also have issues with intimacy, which is related to this and also the fact that I am quite shy. When I was younger I believe I was treated inappropriately by an adult and due to this I am quite self conscious of my looks sometimes and my sexuality.
I would really appreciate some support and advice on how to deal with this especially the PMT and the issue of low self worth as I dont want it to damage this relationship I may potentially have. I am usually a confident and assertive person but my issue lies with men and the potential of relationships. There appears to be a lot of fear there and I want for this to be resolved.
Many thanks for taking the time to read this and I would be grateful for any feedback you may have. Thank you xxx
I am 26 years old and am potentially entering a new relationship with someone after one and a half years of choosing to be single in order to find myself and love myself. As much as this new relationship prospect excites me and is something I really want as he is a really good match for me, I feel an element of fear. I have dealt with all the baggage from my ex partners, to which there was a lot so that isnt the issue but what appears to be the issue is the fact that I dont want to get too close or appear 'needy' for fear of rejection. As much as I claim and believe that I do love myself, at this present moment I am partially doubting it (which I believe is the hormones talking) as part of me feels, am I worth it? Is he really interested in me? Would he really want to see me? And due to this I have got some barriers up. I also have issues with intimacy, which is related to this and also the fact that I am quite shy. When I was younger I believe I was treated inappropriately by an adult and due to this I am quite self conscious of my looks sometimes and my sexuality.
I would really appreciate some support and advice on how to deal with this especially the PMT and the issue of low self worth as I dont want it to damage this relationship I may potentially have. I am usually a confident and assertive person but my issue lies with men and the potential of relationships. There appears to be a lot of fear there and I want for this to be resolved.
Many thanks for taking the time to read this and I would be grateful for any feedback you may have. Thank you xxx
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joanne Mayhead on -
Michelle, I am really sorry to hear that you have been feeling so rotten - those darn hormones have a lot to answer for don't they! It is normal for us to turn to something that we think will alter our emotions and state of mind when we are feeling a bit out of sorts, whether it's alcohol or food, we are just after self love of some kind. Alcohol can be a depressant so probably hasn't helped you at this particular time but you made the choice to have it and that's ok - we are all human and do things we wish we hadn't but you don't need to be so hard on yourself.
It sounds to me like there is a lot more going on under the surface which I can understand given what you went through when you were young. What we don't want to happen is for this person to have control over you for the rest of your life - it's time to take your life back in your hands.
The trouble is with fear is that it normally prevents us from doing the very thing that we want so much so it becomes a self fulfiling prophecy. If your new potential partner isn't that interested in you then he won't spend any time trying to persuade you otherwise - sometimes we need to just take things at face value and accept that if someone is spending time on us then they must be more interested than we give them credit for.
The biggest piece of advice I can give you right now is to just relax about the potential new relationship, stop reading too much into it and just enjoy it for what it is right at this moment. Before I met my husband, I went from one short lived rubbish relationship to another with people that weren't right for me and affected my self esteem and it wasn't until I decided to just let go of the struggle and just enjoy myself that things changed.
When Bill and I first met, we didn't discuss the future, analyse our feelings for each other or put any pressure on each other - we just spent time together and focused on enjoying the moment and what a relief it was to be able to do that! It's not to say that we haven't had our ups and downs over the years but life totally changes when you stop expecting so much from others and just focus on enjoying each others company for what it is.
It is a shame that your past situation has affected your self esteem so much and I hope that is something we can gradually help you work on. I know we can't fix it all in a few forum posts but you can get there with our support. In the meantime, just focus on what makes you feel good at any given moment.
You may notice that I publish a lot of Abraham-Hicks videos (worth viewing if you need to be uplifted). I love the philosophy that 'it's good to feel good' and I try my best to live by that from one day to next. Stop trying to paddle upsteam and just let go of the oars. Life is suposed to be good and fun and sometimes we lose sight of that.
Just a few things that might help you on a more practical level:
Wellsprings Serenity cream - learnt about this from Mum and it helps a lot with hormone related problems including PMT so might be worth a try. I have been using it for a couple of months now and it is going well
Some books that have totally changed my outlook and the way I feel about me:
Fiona Harrold - Be Your Own Life Coach
Susan Jeffers - Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
Right, that's enough waffle from me for now - it's brand new day and I hope you are now feeling a little better. Please post and keep us updated with how you are so that we can continue to support you xxx
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Permalink Reply by Michelle Pritchard on -
Hi Joanne, thank you for getting back to me, I really appreciate it. I am feeling so much better today so it was a bad case of hormones + alcohol. Think I have learnt my lesson there when it comes to drinking alcohol whilst on my period! I havent cried like that in months, it was horrible!
Thanks for the tip regarding the cream. I have been looking for something to alleviate my low moods during my period. Have you noticed an improvement in mood levels since using this? If so I will buy it!
I agree with everything you say especially the part about taking my life back into my hands. Yes, something occured when I was younger but I have got to stop using that as an excuse for the way I am now. I cant allow it to keep affecting me 20 years on, its not healthy! I remember being that age when it was happening and thinking to myself 'If I made myself less pretty, then I wouldnt getting this sort of attention' and from then on I shied away from male attention and from my looks for fear of something like that occuring again. I want to re claim my sexuality and my confidence with men and myself so that I can have a healthy relationship with a man, perhapes with this man I am dating now.
Its early days with him, I have known him from two months and my friends have all told me that he is interested in me from the amount of time he has spent with me and the attention he gives me, but due to my low self esteem with these things, there has been an element of doubt with me throughout whereby I would think he just wanted to be my friend or it was because he wanted help with his career progression. I found it hard to believe that he liked me just for me and he wanted to be more than that. I appreciate this is really pathetic and is something I have to overcome If I want a healthy relationship with someone. This is why I turn to you ladies with wisdom.
I find it difficult to flirt and to be intimate with someone through opening up and being myself due to past hurts but I want to resolve this now. I want to feel confident and believe that I am worth having just the way I am and re claiming the power of my feminity and sexuality!
I love your advice about relaxing in the relationship and just being. This is the type of advice I too would give to my friends and the youths I deal with. I now need to take it on board myself and stop analysing it all and just take it for what it is.
Thank you for all your advice and the time you have given this. I am truly grateful and I think you ladies rock. Thank you also for your feedback on my blog (which was written before the hormones took over!!)
Lots of love, Michelle xxx
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Permalink Reply by Marie-France Robert on -
Hello Michelle,
I guess the easiest way to resolve these issues is one at a time. The whole picture sometimes is just too overwhelming - isn't it?
1 The alcohol abuse - one day at a time, dear. Get a buddy (alcoholic anonimous is a great resource). Have you tried that?
2. Low self worth. Are you saying that you have low self worth? Ask yourself those two questions: Is it true? if yes, Can you really know that it is true? if it's still yes then how do you react (feel) when you think that you have low self esteem (write it down - all of it, all the negative stuff). Then ask yourself "what is my live like, when I don't think those thoughts? And write all the feelings and positive things that happens to you and the possitive happy times that you experience, when you're in that state of mind.
3. What is reality Michelle? What would your life be without your story? What is the purpose of hanging on to that story about yourself?
I understand your pain, your fears and doubts. Try to invite those shadowy feeling in. There look real to you now. Sit quietly beside these shadows and accept them. But most of all: Know that even though there are there, they DON'T get to drive your car (life). They might be on the passenger's seat today, but they don't get to drive your car! Only you do.
4 What is PMT? Post Marital Trauma? Parental Management technics? ;-) Please enlight me!
With love,
MF
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Permalink Reply by Anne M. Clifford on
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Michelle,
First of all, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now. Secondly, I would love to step in, comfort you and make all your problems go away. However, it's difficult to even give advise without knowing more about you and how you think.
For example, PMS and the hormones associated with PMS can totally mess you up. The first thing I would do is consult my OB/GYN and see if he or she could help me. This begs the questions, do you have an OB/GYN available to you, do you trust their knowledge and ability and have you already been to see them?
Since you mentioned alcohol, I would ask if alcohol is a big problem for you in general, a slight problem just recently or have you been dealing with this problem for a substantial period of time?
Then there's the relationship situation. You talked about loving yourself first but it sound like the fear of rejection takes over. The fear of failing dominates any pleasure you should be obtaining from this relationship. It sounds to me that you feel like you don't deserve happiness in a relationship. In my mind, your main concern should not be what he expects or thinks of you, but what you think of him and his actions. I noticed you didn't really say much about how you feel about him as a person. I'm old enough to be your grandmother and I've learned that it's what you want in a relationship that counts. I've learned that it's much better to be in no relationship than one you aren't ready for. I've learned that you will know when the person and the time is right and most of all I've learned that you can form friendships with men and date them without being pushed into making immediate decisions or total committments.
The bottom line is this: You appear to have several things bothering you at this time. There is no written rule that say's you have to handle everything at once within a short period of time. Take one problem at a time, take as long as you need to handle that problem and take baby steps. Also and in some ways most important, if you happen to be a Christian as I am, let God help you. It pleases him for us to reconize him and to turn to him for help. If you do not believe in a higher being, I have no desire to push my beliefs on you or anyone else, but I will pray for you and in my heart send you nothing but health, happiness and love.
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Permalink Reply by Joanne Mayhead on
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Some great comments from Marie-France and Anne - love what you said about the shadowy feelings being there but not driving your life, just sitting in the passenger seat right now Marie-France and also Anne, how true that Michelle should be thinking more about what she thinks of her new partner and his actions than the other way round. Some powerful changes to the thought process there.
Michelle - I made the assumption that you didn't actually have a serious problem with alcohol, just that you had decided to give up drinking for your wellbeing and that you have discovered it is a bad mix with PMT (Marie-France - PMT is pre menstrual tension, your english is so good, we forget you may not know some abreviations) - please correct me if this is not the case.
I don't use the serenity cream for PMT as I have a coil so am lucky not to experience those symptoms any more. I got it for my skin which I am sure is hormone related as I get sudden flare ups which may be related to my cycle. The site has a ton of testimonials on it and it may be worth downloading their free guide to have a read through. If you do start using the cream, it can take a few months for your hormones to balance out so please persevere. Let me know how you get on with it.
I could tell from your reply above that you are already in a slightly better place and it's all about learning to love and accept who you are 1 step at a time. As Anne said, no need to have to handle everything at once - we are all guilty of doing that and it's time to go easy on yourself.
Please let us know how you are getting on xxx
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Permalink Reply by Michelle Pritchard on
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Dear all you fabulous ladies,
Thank you so much for all your feedback of advice and pearls of wisdom. Its great to have a support network out there to turn to and I really am grateful.
I am feeling so much better now. It literally was a case of 24 hr PMS taking over my logic and reasoning coupled with alcohol, which appears to be a recipe for disaster for me. I dont have a serious problem with alcohol you will be pleased to know and I gave it up as I decided that it didnt suit my lifestyle. After this weekend's feeling of rubbishness, I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is really not worth it and I am now planning on giving it up again. It caused more pain than pleasure for me most of the time.
Thank you Anne for your wise words on relationships. And yes, you are right, I need to concern myself more on how I perceive things as opposed to what he thinks. This potential love interest ticks all my boxes and then some and could potentially be the most healthiest relationship I have ever had (in the past, I would have relationships with men just because they liked me!) He is amazingly decent in more ways than one and I respect, trust and admire him. But yes, you are right Anne, there is a fear of failure and there is a feeling of do I deserve such pleasure/happiness. This needs to be overcome as it is not healthy at all. I have started a journal as of today to do 1 thing a day that scares me and 10 things that give me pleasure. I am hoping that after 1 month, I will be less scared and more pleasured! Any other suggestions ladies?!
I bought the creme so will let you know how it goes. Hopefully I wont have to write another HELP blog this time next month! ;)
I am much happier and back to my old, positive self. Thanks again ladies and I am here to uplift you guys whenever you too are feeling down!
Lots of love xxx
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Permalink Reply by Joanne Mayhead on
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Michelle - so glad to hear that you are feeling much better. Hope you get on well with the creme, remeber to persevere for a couple of months to see some changes.
I think it's a great idea to choose 1 thing that gets you out of your comfort zone each day - something that we could all benefit from and 10 things that give you pleasure sounds really indulgent. I would be interested to hear some of the things you have chosen to do as it's a great idea. To be honest, I don't think you need to add much more idea wise as this alone done daily will be a great benefit.
Big hugs xxx
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Permalink Reply by Marie-France Robert on
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Wonderful to hear!!!
Ah those ups and downs... Glad to hear you've got your spirit back!
Glad to know you don't have major issue with alcohol either. For some people, it's a tough one but if you can do without - all the better for your spirit, your health, your life AND your loved ones!
Take care!
Love,
MF
Michelle Pritchard said:Dear all you fabulous ladies,
Thank you so much for all your feedback of advice and pearls of wisdom. Its great to have a support network out there to turn to and I really am grateful.
I am feeling so much better now. It literally was a case of 24 hr PMS taking over my logic and reasoning coupled with alcohol, which appears to be a recipe for disaster for me. I dont have a serious problem with alcohol you will be pleased to know and I gave it up as I decided that it didnt suit my lifestyle. After this weekend's feeling of rubbishness, I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is really not worth it and I am now planning on giving it up again. It caused more pain than pleasure for me most of the time.
Thank you Anne for your wise words on relationships. And yes, you are right, I need to concern myself more on how I perceive things as opposed to what he thinks. This potential love interest ticks all my boxes and then some and could potentially be the most healthiest relationship I have ever had (in the past, I would have relationships with men just because they liked me!) He is amazingly decent in more ways than one and I respect, trust and admire him. But yes, you are right Anne, there is a fear of failure and there is a feeling of do I deserve such pleasure/happiness. This needs to be overcome as it is not healthy at all. I have started a journal as of today to do 1 thing a day that scares me and 10 things that give me pleasure. I am hoping that after 1 month, I will be less scared and more pleasured! Any other suggestions ladies?!
I bought the creme so will let you know how it goes. Hopefully I wont have to write another HELP blog this time next month! ;)
I am much happier and back to my old, positive self. Thanks again ladies and I am here to uplift you guys whenever you too are feeling down!
Lots of love xxx
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