A community network for women to share, laugh and inspire...

Help!!

Hello ladies,

I hope I'm on the right page. I'm counting on someone out there being able to give me some advise as I'm at my wits end. You know the saying "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"? Well, I've tied several knots.

My problem is my 91 year old mother. Considering everything she is in fair health and lives by herself. She has suffered from chronic depression all her life and with age it has gotten worse. She is very negative and angry. She says hurtful things to me, then she completely forgets about it and I carry around the hurt and anger for several days. I have only one sibling who does not live near. Thank God I have a sister-in-law and an aunt that I can talk to. This helps a lot, but the situation does not improve. I seem incapable of ignoring her. I have been advised to just take her age into consideration and her mental state and not let it get to me (can't seem to do it). I am the one she depends on for just about everything. She is still mentally capable of knowing which buttons to press when it comes to me.

I am not normally the "victim" type. I love people, have a few friends I enjoy spending time with and try very hard to stay upbeat. I would love for my mother to be happy the time she has left on this earth, but it doesn't seem likely at this point. Although she is on antidepressents, they don't appear to be working and she has tried several.

I will certainly continue to do what I can for her, but I don't want to give up my life or slide into depression with her. I also have elderly animals that depend on me. Unlike mom, they are a great joy. So sweet and so loving. Anyway here we are. How do I do what I can for my mother, ignore her verbal abuse and demands and have an enjoyable life of my own? I am capable of saying "No" to her and do on occasion, but there is always a price to pay. Any ideas?

P.S. I do realize that I am so blessed by God to have my mother at my age and to be capable of doing for her. I just thought that someone might have an idea or an approach to my problem that I had not thought of.

0 members like this

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Anne M. Clifford on October 9, 2010 at 5:46

To all the ladies who have been so kind to give advise and support relative to my present situation I want to thank you. I'm going to read everything over again and give it a great deal of thought. In the end I know that I am the one who has to take control. God bless you and yours.

I want you to know I am climbing out of my funk. I'm really into soccer and my friend and I went to a local pub and watched Bosnia play Albania this afternoon. It was tied. We met a soccer player, had a couple of drinks and great conversation. My usual hangout is a coffee shop, but this was a fun change. Life is good. Love to all of you.

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Joanne Mayhead on October 9, 2010 at 5:53

That's fantatsic Anne - I'm glad you had a great time at soccer! Sometimes we just need to let go of the seriousness of life and have lots of fun. It's great to hear and life is good! Lots of love xxx

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Marie-France Robert on October 9, 2010 at 6:06

Hi Anne,
That's great. You're sound like such a wonderful person! You'll see, everything will be all right as you take a bit of a step back. It's great of you to be able to open up and share.
All best and great weekend to you!
MF

Anne M. Clifford said:

Marie-France Robert said:
Hello Anne,
There is always a price to pay. Your mother is acting like a tiran to you and expects you to carry on as if nothing was wrong. Well, no one walks away unscathed from such unkind treatment.
Personally, I would take a well deserved break away from mom and arrange to have someone else look after her, for a while. You don't have to put up with that.
You write of your mother: "She says hurtful things to me, then she completely forgets about it". Well, I say - unless your mother has alzeimers or some such dementia, she has to be told in no uncertain terms that she has crossed the line and that you will not put up with it any longer. I am sure your mom is sweet with other care takers (or perhaps not). Either way, my advise would be to take a break NOW and enjoy life! Your mom will understand. She may be old and depressed but she's no fool!
With love,
MF

Hi Marie-Frace,
Yes my mother is nice to others. I'm taking a three day break now. I think I've taken care of everything until Tuesday. I will call her to make sure she is alright, but I'm not going out to her house unless it's an emergency. As for the state of her mind, I'm just not sure. At 91, who knows. Thank you for the advise.

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Anuk Teasdale on October 31, 2010 at 21:39

Hi there. I have the same issue with my mother. I have worked for years at detaching myself from what she says and how she is. I do not dwell on anything she says and now end any conversations or leave the room if I feel she is becoming negative. This has taken me years to get to this point and it works for me however it may not work for you. I believe that I have to take responsibility for my own emotions and she can take care of hers. I suffered for years until my daughters started to notice what she was saying. I couldn't allow myself to be put down in front of them and that gave me the impetus to try and not let her upset me.
I can imagine how you feel.
Good luck.