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Help!!
Hello ladies,
I hope I'm on the right page. I'm counting on someone out there being able to give me some advise as I'm at my wits end. You know the saying "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"? Well, I've tied several knots.
My problem is my 91 year old mother. Considering everything she is in fair health and lives by herself. She has suffered from chronic depression all her life and with age it has gotten worse. She is very negative and angry. She says hurtful things to me, then she completely forgets about it and I carry around the hurt and anger for several days. I have only one sibling who does not live near. Thank God I have a sister-in-law and an aunt that I can talk to. This helps a lot, but the situation does not improve. I seem incapable of ignoring her. I have been advised to just take her age into consideration and her mental state and not let it get to me (can't seem to do it). I am the one she depends on for just about everything. She is still mentally capable of knowing which buttons to press when it comes to me.
I am not normally the "victim" type. I love people, have a few friends I enjoy spending time with and try very hard to stay upbeat. I would love for my mother to be happy the time she has left on this earth, but it doesn't seem likely at this point. Although she is on antidepressents, they don't appear to be working and she has tried several.
I will certainly continue to do what I can for her, but I don't want to give up my life or slide into depression with her. I also have elderly animals that depend on me. Unlike mom, they are a great joy. So sweet and so loving. Anyway here we are. How do I do what I can for my mother, ignore her verbal abuse and demands and have an enjoyable life of my own? I am capable of saying "No" to her and do on occasion, but there is always a price to pay. Any ideas?
P.S. I do realize that I am so blessed by God to have my mother at my age and to be capable of doing for her. I just thought that someone might have an idea or an approach to my problem that I had not thought of.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joanne Mayhead on -
You certainly sound like you are aat your wits end Anne. This is a tough one and as much as you love your mum, you still owe it to yourself to put your wellbeing first. Would you be comfortable telling her outright that what she just said was very hurtful? When people are depressed they are not themselves and after years of it, it sounds like your mum is very bitter about life which is a shame. We can't always control what others do, only our reactions to it so we need to focus more on you. Typing on my iPod right now so will come back later when I can log on a computer. Hope you are ok x
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Permalink Reply by Deborah Marsh on -
Hi Anne Sorry that you are having such a hard time with your mum, she does sound like quite a handful. Not sure if I can give you much advise other then to keep doing what you are doing seeing your mum. Didn't realise that she had suffered with depression all her life how sad that must be for her and for you. Maybe you just have to accept that she will never be any different and you wanting her to be happy for the time she has left is never going to happen.
Don't you dare give up your life and slide into depression that wouldn't solve anything, when I come to visit I want a happy Anne.
My mum was not like that at all but she definitely had her moments Jo will tell you that. I used to go home upset at what she had said to me and dwell on it for awhile. Most of the time it was about my weight, she always believed to be thin was everything and I'm not and never will be. I knew she loved me but it took her up until about 5 years before she died to accept that I was and always will be on the cuddly side.
I had this little trick I used in my head whenever she started telling me what to do or what she didn't like, I would imagine I had a tennis bat in my hand and everytime she fired an unkind remark at me I would just bat it over my shoulder I know it sounds silly but it became like a game to me. Basically I didn't need the unkind remarks so I wasn't going to even bother to listen to them.
Probably wont help you in the least but it may give you a laugh, you can just picture me can't you dodging those unkind remarks.
Do you go to your mum on a regular basis, maybe you should change the day without saying anything. Would she ever think about going into some sort of sheltered housing or a residential home. Not sure what the set up is over there in the States, sometimes these places are great as there is a sense of community, there would be other like minded and maybe people of her age for her to socialise with and you would know that she is being cared for.
You must concentrate on yourself Anne, you are the important person here and as JO said we need to focus on you.
I need to give you some little projects to do before I visit.
1. You have to try and get a little non smoking area in your local coffee shop for when I visit, ha ha
2. Sort out where I can stay that is comfortable, not too expensive and near you.
3. Decide what time of the year would be best as I really cannot stand the heat. xxx
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Permalink Reply by Margaret Gammons on -
Hello Anne. What a difficult siruation you are in. Having read Jo and Deborah's replies I do agree with their ideas. As Jo says we cannot control what others do and say - only our reaction to them. It is always an extra problem to face when it is someone close. I also feel that this is a form of emotional blackmail which makes it more difficult to deal with. No matter how they are treated, the majority of children love their parents as is seen in many child abuse cases. However, remaining detached from the hurtful comments is not easy and I don't have much to add to Deborahs comment - the use of the tennis bat!
I think rather than dweling on individual things she says and letting them get to you try and look at the whole situation, but from your point of view. Don't try and change your mother, but try and change your attitude to her. This doen't mean you stop loving her, but does mean taking time out to love and respect yourself. Non of us has to put up with abuse in any form, great or small, and although your mother may not realise it this is a form of abuse.
When you were growing up what sort of a mother was she? Did she suffer from depression then? think it is marvellous that she still is living on her own and looking after herself at 91, but maybe some company of her own age group or people other than her family would help her. I would consider Deborah's suggestion of sheltered accommodation or a good residential home as this could give her a support network other than yourself. Perhaps you could discuss this with her doctor? One of my Grandmothers actually took herself of into a home and was really happy there as she had freinds other than her family.
I hope this gives you food for thought and helps you feel supported. Let me know what you think as you may have tried some of these ideas already.
Take care. xx
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Permalink Reply by Michelle Pritchard on -
Hi Anne, what I have found has worked for me when in situations such as this is to banish the negative thoughts of said person and instead replace them with positive, loving ones. I am sure you love your mum very much and treat her with love but I am sure there are times when loving thoughts escape. It is then to remind yourself of these loving thoughts as people cannot react in a horrible way to you consistently if you treat them with love...they have to budge evantually. I hope this helps and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. Best of luck and stay positive and strong xxx
www.michellemovesmountains.wordpress.com
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Permalink Reply by Anne M. Clifford on
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Joanne Mayhead said:You certainly sound like you are aat your wits end Anne. This is a tough one and as much as you love your mum, you still owe it to yourself to put your wellbeing first. Would you be comfortable telling her outright that what she just said was very hurtful? When people are depressed they are not themselves and after years of it, it sounds like your mum is very bitter about life which is a shame. We can't always control what others do, only our reactions to it so we need to focus more on you. Typing on my iPod right now so will come back later when I can log on a computer. Hope you are ok x
Hi Joanne,
My mother is very bitter and constantly says she misses my father more and more every day. I know she isn't herself and I feel bad for her. I have told her that her comments hurt me and she simply says that what she says is true. I will try very hard though to keep in mind that we can't control what others do.
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Permalink Reply by Anne M. Clifford on
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Deborah Marsh said:Hi Anne Sorry that you are having such a hard time with your mum, she does sound like quite a handful. Not sure if I can give you much advise other then to keep doing what you are doing seeing your mum. Didn't realise that she had suffered with depression all her life how sad that must be for her and for you. Maybe you just have to accept that she will never be any different and you wanting her to be happy for the time she has left is never going to happen.
Don't you dare give up your life and slide into depression that wouldn't solve anything, when I come to visit I want a happy Anne.
My mum was not like that at all but she definitely had her moments Jo will tell you that. I used to go home upset at what she had said to me and dwell on it for awhile. Most of the time it was about my weight, she always believed to be thin was everything and I'm not and never will be. I knew she loved me but it took her up until about 5 years before she died to accept that I was and always will be on the cuddly side.
I had this little trick I used in my head whenever she started telling me what to do or what she didn't like, I would imagine I had a tennis bat in my hand and everytime she fired an unkind remark at me I would just bat it over my shoulder I know it sounds silly but it became like a game to me. Basically I didn't need the unkind remarks so I wasn't going to even bother to listen to them.
Probably wont help you in the least but it may give you a laugh, you can just picture me can't you dodging those unkind remarks.
Do you go to your mum on a regular basis, maybe you should change the day without saying anything. Would she ever think about going into some sort of sheltered housing or a residential home. Not sure what the set up is over there in the States, sometimes these places are great as there is a sense of community, there would be other like minded and maybe people of her age for her to socialise with and you would know that she is being cared for.
You must concentrate on yourself Anne, you are the important person here and as JO said we need to focus on you.
I need to give you some little projects to do before I visit.
1. You have to try and get a little non smoking area in your local coffee shop for when I visit, ha ha
2. Sort out where I can stay that is comfortable, not too expensive and near you.
3. Decide what time of the year would be best as I really cannot stand the heat. xxx
Hey Deb,
Sounds like a great idea. I will think of you hitting the hurtful words over your shoulder with the tennis bat. I'm not giving up and am willing to try almost anything.
There will be no problems when you visit. The best time of the year is normally October or early Spring. We can sit out on the patio at Platos and enjoy the weather while we solve all the worlds problems. As for a reasonable place to stay, there are many. You will love my friends and there are many things to do, or we can do little to nothing if you feel like resting. It will be at your pace---- and Marie of course if she is able to come. Take care of you. Talk to you soon.
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Permalink Reply by Anne M. Clifford on
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Margaret Gammons said:Hello Anne. What a difficult siruation you are in. Having read Jo and Deborah's replies I do agree with their ideas. As Jo says we cannot control what others do and say - only our reaction to them. It is always an extra problem to face when it is someone close. I also feel that this is a form of emotional blackmail which makes it more difficult to deal with. No matter how they are treated, the majority of children love their parents as is seen in many child abuse cases. However, remaining detached from the hurtful comments is not easy and I don't have much to add to Deborahs comment - the use of the tennis bat!
I think rather than dweling on individual things she says and letting them get to you try and look at the whole situation, but from your point of view. Don't try and change your mother, but try and change your attitude to her. This doen't mean you stop loving her, but does mean taking time out to love and respect yourself. Non of us has to put up with abuse in any form, great or small, and although your mother may not realise it this is a form of abuse.
When you were growing up what sort of a mother was she? Did she suffer from depression then? think it is marvellous that she still is living on her own and looking after herself at 91, but maybe some company of her own age group or people other than her family would help her. I would consider Deborah's suggestion of sheltered accommodation or a good residential home as this could give her a support network other than yourself. Perhaps you could discuss this with her doctor? One of my Grandmothers actually took herself of into a home and was really happy there as she had freinds other than her family.
I hope this gives you food for thought and helps you feel supported. Let me know what you think as you may have tried some of these ideas already.
Take care. xx
Hi Margaret,
Thank you for responding. I think you're right----I'm trying to change her and I can't. I know I have to change the way I respond to my mother but it is so difficult. We have talked about her going into an assisted living place, but so far we haven't looked at any. She appears open to the idea, but with mom, one day it's alright and the next day she says that she doesn't understand why I don't like her and want to get rid of her. I try to get her out, but nothing interest her and she says she has no need for friends. She's angry that I have friends and enjoy them. I'm quite sure that if you talked to her you would think she was quite pleasant. She has her own story to tell and I'm sure she believes it.
To answer your question concerning how she used to be----she was a wonderful mother when I was growing up. I know she suffered from depression even then, but she tried so hard and was never cruel. I think that's what bothers me so much now. I expect her to be like she was and she never will be again. I have a fairly healthy ego, but when it's your mother putting you down, it's difficult. I have picked up some things from all of you however that I intend to try. I very much appreciate the suggestions.
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Permalink Reply by Anne M. Clifford on
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Michelle Pritchard said:Hi Anne, what I have found has worked for me when in situations such as this is to banish the negative thoughts of said person and instead replace them with positive, loving ones. I am sure you love your mum very much and treat her with love but I am sure there are times when loving thoughts escape. It is then to remind yourself of these loving thoughts as people cannot react in a horrible way to you consistently if you treat them with love...they have to budge evantually. I hope this helps and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. Best of luck and stay positive and strong xxx
www.michellemovesmountains.wordpress.com
Hi Michelle,
I know what you say is true about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I tried that in a different situation. I had gotten to the point where it was almost second nature. For some reason I haven't tried that with my mother. Maybe I'm just too close. It's certainly worth try however. Thank you so much for the wishes of love and happiness along with the thought you put into my situation. Stay safe.
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Permalink Reply by Joanne Mayhead on
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Also Anne, sometimes it just helps to have a rant and get things off your chest and if posting here has helped that alone then it is also a good thing. Sometimes we know we can't solve everything there and then, especially when we are emotional attached but just want to let off some steam which is ok too. Keep us posted on how you are getting on xxx
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Permalink Reply by Marie-France Robert on -
Hello Anne,
There is always a price to pay. Your mother is acting like a tiran to you and expects you to carry on as if nothing was wrong. Well, no one walks away unscathed from such unkind treatment.
Personally, I would take a well deserved break away from mom and arrange to have someone else look after her, for a while. You don't have to put up with that.
You write of your mother: "She says hurtful things to me, then she completely forgets about it". Well, I say - unless your mother has alzeimers or some such dementia, she has to be told in no uncertain terms that she has crossed the line and that you will not put up with it any longer. I am sure your mom is sweet with other care takers (or perhaps not). Either way, my advise would be to take a break NOW and enjoy life! Your mom will understand. She may be old and depressed but she's no fool!
With love,
MF
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Permalink Reply by Anne M. Clifford on
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Marie-France Robert said:Hello Anne,
There is always a price to pay. Your mother is acting like a tiran to you and expects you to carry on as if nothing was wrong. Well, no one walks away unscathed from such unkind treatment.
Personally, I would take a well deserved break away from mom and arrange to have someone else look after her, for a while. You don't have to put up with that.
You write of your mother: "She says hurtful things to me, then she completely forgets about it". Well, I say - unless your mother has alzeimers or some such dementia, she has to be told in no uncertain terms that she has crossed the line and that you will not put up with it any longer. I am sure your mom is sweet with other care takers (or perhaps not). Either way, my advise would be to take a break NOW and enjoy life! Your mom will understand. She may be old and depressed but she's no fool!
With love,
MF
Hi Marie-Frace,
Yes my mother is nice to others. I'm taking a three day break now. I think I've taken care of everything until Tuesday. I will call her to make sure she is alright, but I'm not going out to her house unless it's an emergency. As for the state of her mind, I'm just not sure. At 91, who knows. Thank you for the advise.
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Permalink Reply by Anne M. Clifford on
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Joanne Mayhead said:Also Anne, sometimes it just helps to have a rant and get things off your chest and if posting here has helped that alone then it is also a good thing. Sometimes we know we can't solve everything there and then, especially when we are emotional attached but just want to let off some steam which is ok too. Keep us posted on how you are getting on xxx
Joanne,
Thanks for everything. I'll definately keep you informed.
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